Friday, October 05, 2007

Lady Death. Most boring bikini girl ever

I had a roommate once who was into Lady Death stuff. She (yes, she - it was platonic, trust me. Personally, I think she was bi-curious - she had this complete Angelina Jolie fetish and loved watching girls making out in shows, but that's a separate issue) had Lady Death posters and figures and old comics. I never read it - it all looked like buxom girls in leather bikinis.

Late last night I was working on transferring my iTunes library (a task that still continues - it's a big library), when I was surfing through Netflix and decided to give their "Watch this movie now" service a try. I click Anime, and spot "Lady Death". Sure - why not.

Little did I know that "Lady Death" is actually an experiment to see if it is possible to have a double-D cupped woman running around in a leather bikini, and still make it so boring guys will not want to watch. You've got a girl named Hope who is pious and good, who later learns that her midevil era evil overlord father is actually Satan.

And not only that, but Satan is something of a wuss. When the local villagers get tired of their king kidnapping people for his "army", only to send their souls to hell, they lift up pitchforks to storm the castle. Satan's response in his 9 foot red skinned giant muscled form?

To run away. Of course, they never did explain why people who did nothing wrong and were perfectly decent were forced to go to Hell just because Satan rounded them up. But the movie also had a pretty strong anti-religious tone - God didn't seem to care that innocent people were being forced to go to Hell, and the local priests were more interested in being stereotypical ranting priests.

Priests who, upon finding Hope is Satan's daughter, torture her and set her to burn at the stake for her father's sins. (Sure. That's justice.) Which lets us take Hope from hot big breasted blond girl with long hair to chained up big breasted prison girl with her clothes half torn off. She decides to go to Hell, confronts her father because her wussy "make love not war" boyfriend's soul is held by Satan, he throws her out, she gets glowing eyes and becomes Lady Death. Why did she get glowing eyes? Uh - no idea. She just has super powers that are suppose to be even greater than Satan's because she's Satan's daughter.

Then came the training montage, where she learns to fight and use her new powers. Which involves her hair turning white (no explanation), and as she gets better with her powers and swordplay her clothing grows smaller and smaller (no purpose) until she is running around in literally nothing but high heels (perfectly suitable for fighting in) and a black leather bikini (sure. Why not.).

Then it's time to go start fighting bad guys. And about the time I stopped watching. Success, ADV! You were able to do what I never thought possible: make 90 minutes about a big breasted woman with a sword boring.

I salute you! I'm going to go cleanse my palatte and watching another episode of "The Irresponsible Captain Tylor" before I have to go to Chucky Cheeses with the kids and doing homework. Somehow, I think I'll have more fun figuring out shellsort routines than watching any more "Lady Death".

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