Real Conversations with my Wife

Me: You know, we're about to miss the special two hour church meeting.

My Lovely Wife (MLW): Hm.

Me: Does this mean we're going to go to Hell?

MLW: I thought that was sitting for two hours in church trying to keep the children quiet for TWO HOURS.

Me: I'm guessing not.

True Conversations with my Daughter

Me:  Emily, look - the last two Haruhi DVD sets arrived!

Emily:  What's that?

Me:  It's a pillowcase.  Look - it has Haruhi, and Mikaru, and Yuki on it in their sleepware!  Maybe I should put it on my pillow.

Emily:  Nuh-uh!

Me:  Why not?

Emily:  (Starts doing a "I'm teasing Daddy" dance.)  Because Mommy won't let you have it, because she won't want you to sleep on pretty girls.

Me: Really. Why don't you go ask your mother then and see what she says.

Emily: OK! (Runs upstairs with the pillowcase.)

(2 minutes pass)

My Lovely Wife: No, he's not!

Emily: I told you!

Me: ...

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Sexiest Thing Ever Said

Me: Here's your water. Hey - what are you watching?

My Lovely Wife (MLW): Dallas Cowgirl Cheerleaders.

Me: Oh? Enjoying that?

MLW: Oh, yeah. (Rolls eyes.) They're so - perky. I just love to watch them.

Me: That - may be one of the hottest things you've ever said.

MLW: Keep dreaming.

Me: Oh, I will. I will.

Where does he get this from

Me: Matthew, come down for dinner!

Matthew: Hold on, Da!

Me: Matthew - come down! I haven't seen you *sob* all day *sob* *sob*. I need my Matthew *sob, sob*.

Matthew: Not right now, Da! I'm busy and be down soon.

My Lovely Wife: *Snerk* I wonder where he gets that from.

Me: Matthew!

Matthew: Coming!

*Later on*

Me: Hey, you guys have no school on Friday. And I don't have to work that Friday. Maybe we should go to the movies.

Kids: Yaaaaay!

Me: How about Ratatoille?

Kids: No - we already saw that!

Me: Well, I haven't!

Kids: Sucks to be you!

MLW: *snerk*

Me: They totally get this attitude and sarcasm from you, you know.

Emily: Nuh-uh. Mommy says that all of our sass comes from you!

Me: ...

Heroes: They're Flying!

Claire: You don't understand - I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not!

Flying Boy: Claire - Shut up!

(Flying Boy picks up Claire. A horrible greenscreen background shows up. They're flying into the air together.)

Me: Can you read my miiiiiiind?
Do you know what it is you do to me?
Don't know who you are
Just a friend from another star
Here I am
Like a kid at the school

My Lovely Wife(MLW): (Throws pillow at my head.)

Me: Look at me - shivering! Like a little girl -

MLW: Do I get out the squirt bottle?

Me: I'll be good.

Very funny, God

My Lovely Wife (MLW): So to fix the switch on the car, it'll be $140. But they can't find the leak yet, so we might have to take it to a body shop.

Me: Dang it! I *knew* this was going to happen when I got that 70 hours of vacation time paid all at once. Our cars were fine until I got that. Then, just as we're about to put a big amount into savings, my car light turns on and the dealership thinks it'll cost $1000 to fix, your car gets a leak and the AC stops working, the phone charger stops working - I'm telling you, it's like God figured "Huh-huh, this'll be funny - I'll screw with John a little."

MLW: Really.

Me: Yeah. That's why I'm not an atheist - I just figure God's a jerk.

Thunder: Roll!

Me: Yeah, I heard you. And let me guess - 15 minutes from now when this data transfer I'm doing only has 1 minute to go, you'll knock out the power just because you've got a lame sense of humor!

MLW: OK, breath, honey. Breath.

(15 minutes later to the dot.)

Thunder: Crash!

Power: Off!

Me: Ha, ha, ha, God! You're still a jerk!

I need some cream, honey

Me: Hey, we're all out of lotion, and after mowing the lawn and washing up, I feel really dry.

My Lovely Wife (MLW): Well, here. You can use this.

Me: No I can't.

MLW: Why not?

Me: It says "night cream". It's day time.

MLW: Well, then use this.

Me: Uh - it's brown. I'm not putting brown stuff all over my face.

MLW: It's not brown - it's cream colored.

Me: It's the color of poo.

MLW: You are acting like such a - girl!

iPhone. iiiiiPhonnnnnne!

My Lovely Wife (MLW): I'm going to go buy some books.

Me: OK - hey, what about me?

MLW: iPhone.

Me: Oh.

(One week goes by.)

MLW: So what do you want for Christmas.

Me: What's my budget for asking?

MLW: $100.

Me: That's it?

MLW: iPhone. iiiiiiiPhooooonnnnnne.

Me: Uh - how much longer does this go on?

MLW: Another $150.