Friday, February 10, 2012

How to Make A Drunken Santorum

Ok, kids. You might have heard about that guy Rick Santorum. You've heard stuff like about how he hates on gay people, or thinks women can't do shit in the military, or just that he's a grade a douche bad.

And you're thinking - hey, how can I get something that tastes good but reminds me of this fine, fine man?

Well you're in luck, sucker. Cause here's this drink. It's called the Drunken Santorum. And it's pretty damn good, even if the man who inspired it an awful son of a bitch that nobody should ever associate with, and who really should just be spit upon and tossed out of polite society until he joins the 21st century.

Let's start this.


Cold brewed coffee
coffee liquor
cream/sugar to taste
whipped cream
dark chocolate

1. Coffee

Make yourself some cold brewed coffee. Why cold brewed? Because that shits good! 1 cup of ground coffee beans, 2 cups of water. Put that shit into a french press cause you're not a fucking heathen, you're a human being who likes taste.

Let it sit for at least 24 hours. Hey, this is fine shit people. You don't want something that tastes like shit like real Santorum. You want it to taste good.

2. Filter it.

Has it been 24 hours? OK, let's filter it. Press down on the handle to your french press. That's right - get that coffee juice out of those beans.

Now we're gonna use a filter. Mason jars are awesome for this. Oh - you're saying "But we put it through the french press why am I filter it?" Maybe you don't need to cause you like your coffee raw. Whatever, but we're getting out the little particulates. You want to taste gravel? Hell no! Let me guess, you also eat with your elbows on the table, too. Well not at my table or I'll smack them off! How do you like that?

3. Build the drink.

Get your coffee. 3/4 cup of coffee, 3/4 cup of some coffee liquor. Now, maybe you like more alcohol cause you're a raging drunk who can't go more than an hour without getting hammered. Why the hell not. Add in some vodka if you just want more booze - it won't fuck with the taste. Or if you want to feel the burn and feel like a motherfucker, add in some rum.

4. Taste it up.
How do you like your coffee? Are you civilized and add in some cream or soy milk or almond milk? Or do you think you're a total bad ass and just do it black?

I don't give a shit. It's your damn drink! Make it how you like! Me, I put in some soy milk. It's got texture. That's right, you little crying baby. I said texture. Like how it feels on your tongue like the skin of a fine woman. Yeaaaah. I thought you'd like that.

5. Froth and Fleck

At this point, it's nothing! You've made a cold coffee with alcohol, and that ain't shit! We're making this a Drunken Santorum, and that means we need froth.

Or just some whip cream. Pile it on. Yeah. Look how creamy that is. Oh yeah. Now get some chocolate. And none of that prissy white chocolate shit. That ain't chocolate - chocolate has cocoa and you know how much white chocolate has? NONE THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED WHITE CHOCOLATE YOU TOOL.

Dark chocolate is best. Grate it, put it on the whipped cream. Yeah. That's now looking like a frothy mixture. 

6. Drink that fucker down.

Now drink it. Don't be a chicken. You might get something that people see on your face. You know what you say? "Yeah, this is some tasty ass Drunken Santorum."

Oh, and stick your pinky out when you drink it. You're not some fucking heathen you know.