Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Screwing with Advertisers

From: Bryce Newfound
To: Dpaladin
Subject: Website Analysis

Your web site is really good but you could be missing out on a lot of online
business because of where your site shows up on the major search directories. A few
simple changes could greatly increase your web traffic and your bottom line. Reply
to us and we will give you a free analysis of your site and show you what will make
the difference for your business. Include the best way to reach you with the

Bryce Newfound

From: John Hummel
To: Bryce Newfound
Subject: Re: Website Analysis

Dear Mr. Newfound,
Thank you very much for your offer, but I'm not sure you're aware of the nature of my web site.

My web site is geared towards people addicted to gambling porn. Gambling porn is much like regular porn, only it involves only dice, cards and pool sticks. As a personal victim, I can tell you that few things are as arousing as the feeling of rolling dice in my hands. The way the cue stick slides through your fingers. Or the silky feel of the cards moving. Slipping through my palm. Back and forth. Until you slam it on the table. Hard. Show it! Show your cards! Yes! Flush me, baby!

I'm sorry. I got all worked up again.

It is wonderful that you're interested in assisting our support group with more notice on the Internet. Perhaps it will be possible for more people to understand this terrible affliction. Those who can't go past Vegas without needing to feel the chips rubbing against their fingers. The people who's eyes move away from the showgirls because they're mesmerized by the spinning roulette balls. So hard and bouncy.

But - odds are your service isn't what we need. But hopefully, if you suffer the same way I do, you're ready to find a cute.

There is hope, Mr. Newfound. Someday, you will look at a deck of cards without sporting a major erection. Until that day occurs, always know there is a time to hold 'em, and a time to walk away.

John Hummel

Thursday, December 02, 2010

I say Happy Holidays. Deal with it.

It's that time of year again, for frenzied shopping and finding that perfect gift. Tinsel and trees, lights and colors declaring that this is the time of the holiday season.

And, sure enough, people are already getting offended if you happen to say the word "holiday" instead of "Christmas." Once again you have groups like the AFA saying that they're going to boycott Dick's sporting good store because they dared to say Holiday instead of Christmas. "Jesus is the reason for the season!" people declare.

It seems that every time this year, I wish Happy Holidays to someone, and I get a very angry "It's Merry Christmas!" back. And no, I'm not kidding. I've had people tell me very angrily that "Well, I say Merry Christmas, and if they don't like it, then they can just deal with it!"

You know - nobody really minds if you want to say Merry Christmas. Really. I don't give a shit.

I'm still saying Happy Holidays.

I say it because sorry, Christians, you don't have a monopoly on the month of December. Jesus was *not* the reason for the season (considering he was more likely born in the spring than the winter). Christmas itself is an older pagan holiday called Saturnalia that Christians took over from the Romans. That's right - the reason for the season is Zeus's daddy.

I say "happy holidays" because I don't know if the person I'm talking to is Hindu, Jewish, Muslim, Christian, atheist or otherwise. I don't care - I want whatever holiday they celebrate to be a good one, and if they (like the Puritans - you know, those Christians who fled Europe to help found the United States) decide not to celebrate any holidays, then I still wish them well.

I say "Happy Holidays", and anyone who takes offense to that is a selfish dick. Because for them, it's not about wishing "Peace on earth, good will to men", or heeding the words of the man they claim to follow when he said "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." For them, it's about dominance. It's about "I'm better than you, my god is better than yours and you'd better acknowledge that." The people who protest a company for wishing "Happy Holidays" upon its customers don't care about "Happiness" - they care to remind people that in this season of togetherness, that they don't *want* to be together with *you*.

So Happy Holidays, everyone. And for those who want to take offense because I'm not specifying your particular holiday - you can just suck my yule log.