Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Screwing with Advertisers

From: Bryce Newfound
To: Dpaladin
Subject: Website Analysis

Your web site is really good but you could be missing out on a lot of online
business because of where your site shows up on the major search directories. A few
simple changes could greatly increase your web traffic and your bottom line. Reply
to us and we will give you a free analysis of your site and show you what will make
the difference for your business. Include the best way to reach you with the

Bryce Newfound

From: John Hummel
To: Bryce Newfound
Subject: Re: Website Analysis

Dear Mr. Newfound,
Thank you very much for your offer, but I'm not sure you're aware of the nature of my web site.

My web site is geared towards people addicted to gambling porn. Gambling porn is much like regular porn, only it involves only dice, cards and pool sticks. As a personal victim, I can tell you that few things are as arousing as the feeling of rolling dice in my hands. The way the cue stick slides through your fingers. Or the silky feel of the cards moving. Slipping through my palm. Back and forth. Until you slam it on the table. Hard. Show it! Show your cards! Yes! Flush me, baby!

I'm sorry. I got all worked up again.

It is wonderful that you're interested in assisting our support group with more notice on the Internet. Perhaps it will be possible for more people to understand this terrible affliction. Those who can't go past Vegas without needing to feel the chips rubbing against their fingers. The people who's eyes move away from the showgirls because they're mesmerized by the spinning roulette balls. So hard and bouncy.

But - odds are your service isn't what we need. But hopefully, if you suffer the same way I do, you're ready to find a cute.

There is hope, Mr. Newfound. Someday, you will look at a deck of cards without sporting a major erection. Until that day occurs, always know there is a time to hold 'em, and a time to walk away.

John Hummel

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