Can anybody explain McCain to me?

I'm still trying to get over the catch-22 nature of McCain's energy and environmental policies - well, over all of his policies, for that matter.

McCain: Global warming bad! I will fight global warming!

Voters: Yay, McCain!

McCain: And we're going to do that by allowing for drilling of more oil, so you have cheaper gas!

Voters: Uh - won't that increase greenhouse gases? And won't it take like 5-10 years before drilling offshore services benefits? And what about the fact that oil companies will usually leave off-shore platforms inert until the price of gas is high enough to warrant pumping the oil from beneath the sea - which doesn't reduce the cost of oil, just gives the oil companies a chance to make great profits later?

McCain: My opponent doesn't want to lower the cost of your gas by reducing the gas tax - but I do! It'll be good for the economy!

Voters: Wait a second. Now you're just talking crazy. If you reduce the gas tax, you have to either cancel infrastructure upgrades, or take out loans to pay for the tax we're not paying. And with levees breaking in Iowa and destroying 16% of the farmland there, that means out cost of food is going to go up. How about we keep paying the gas tax, spend the money on infrastructure that badly needs it so we don't spend more money another several years from the next disaster? You're not making any sense!

McCain: Hey, I'm opposed to torture - but I don't want to enforce the military code of justice on the people doing the torturing! And I support the constitution, but not habeas corpus. I want to stay in Iraq for 100 years once the fighting dies down, but I have no idea when the fighting will ever die down, so we have to stay in Iraq until it does, which may take 100 years. By 2013 there our troops will come home but don't you dare set a timeline!

Voters: Wait a second - are you the reincarnation of Zenos come to give us more paradoxes?

McCain: Most of you don't know who Zenos is - or else you'd be an elitist! And I support education - as long as its private!

Voters: Oi.