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Me: What are you watching?
Holli: These cheerleaders dancing. They're the most dressed up and covered cheerleaders I've ever seen. Long pants, no belly showing -
Me: Well, I guess they're very moral cheerleaders then.
Her: Oh, no way.
Me: What makes you say that?
Her: Are you kidding? They're from Kansas. Almost none of them are!
Me: That's kind of harsh.
Her: It's true! The entire state's that way! I should know - I'm from there.
Me: Kansas? I'd never thought it.
Her: Well, just the way it is.
Me: How does that work? You always think of Kansas as being the center of the American heartland, full of goodness.
Her: But not Mormons.
Me: Wait - I said those are *moral* cheerleaders, not *Mormon* cheerleaders.
Her: Oooooohhhhhh. I don't know - I just know they're probably not Mormon.
Me: ....
Showing posts with label real conversations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label real conversations. Show all posts
Friday, February 04, 2011
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Real Conversation with My Love Wife: Still Creepy after All These Years
Me: So I'm playing Dragon Quest IX, and finally got to make my party.
My Lovely Wife(MLW): And?
Me: So I made my entire party ladies.
MLW: Oh, really?
Me: Yup. See, I like to think that my thief character and my priestess are secretly lesbians-
MLW: What?
Me: -which makes life for the priestess hard, because she's supposed to be pure and all, but she can't resist the roguish nature of the thief. And then there's the whole "laying on of hands" thing.
MLW: Seriously?
Me: Anyway, I'll be making dinner in a bit after I get done playing with my lesbian brigade. Burgers and tater tots.
MLW: Do we just have regular fries?
Me: Nope! Just tots! And them I'm going to take a few and put them right over my nipples.
MLW: Ewww!
Me: And I'll be all "mmmm - come on over and have a taste of my titty tots."
MLW: Now you're just being wrong.
Me: Oooo - take a bite out of my big thick potato nipples. It's all hot and steamy on the inside.
MLW: You're terrible.
Me: 16 years of marriage, and I can still find ways of creeping you out.
MLW: ....
My Lovely Wife(MLW): And?
Me: So I made my entire party ladies.
MLW: Oh, really?
Me: Yup. See, I like to think that my thief character and my priestess are secretly lesbians-
MLW: What?
Me: -which makes life for the priestess hard, because she's supposed to be pure and all, but she can't resist the roguish nature of the thief. And then there's the whole "laying on of hands" thing.
MLW: Seriously?
Me: Anyway, I'll be making dinner in a bit after I get done playing with my lesbian brigade. Burgers and tater tots.
MLW: Do we just have regular fries?
Me: Nope! Just tots! And them I'm going to take a few and put them right over my nipples.
MLW: Ewww!
Me: And I'll be all "mmmm - come on over and have a taste of my titty tots."
MLW: Now you're just being wrong.
Me: Oooo - take a bite out of my big thick potato nipples. It's all hot and steamy on the inside.
MLW: You're terrible.
Me: 16 years of marriage, and I can still find ways of creeping you out.
MLW: ....
Real Conversation with My Love Wife: Perfect Plans
Me: I thought I had it all planned out.
My Lovely Wife (MLW): What do you mean?
Me: I moved the Wii upstairs. The Playstation 3 is broken. The Xbox 360 is in the living room so we can stream Netflix. So there shouldn't be any reason for the children to want to go into my office and play on anything.
MLW: And?
Me: Wizard 101! They want to play the one non-Mac compatible game in the house. And it's not enough they have to use their computer upstairs - they want to play at the same time, so they have to use the computer in *my* office!
MLW: Sounds like a flaw in your plan.
Me: It was a perfect plan! Perfect!
MLW: ...
My Lovely Wife (MLW): What do you mean?
Me: I moved the Wii upstairs. The Playstation 3 is broken. The Xbox 360 is in the living room so we can stream Netflix. So there shouldn't be any reason for the children to want to go into my office and play on anything.
MLW: And?
Me: Wizard 101! They want to play the one non-Mac compatible game in the house. And it's not enough they have to use their computer upstairs - they want to play at the same time, so they have to use the computer in *my* office!
MLW: Sounds like a flaw in your plan.
Me: It was a perfect plan! Perfect!
MLW: ...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Real conversations with my children
TV: BLARGH! BLARGH! BLARGH!
Kids: Dad! The TV's doing something!
Me: (run up the stairs) Is that the emergency broadcast message?
TV: THIS IS THE WEEKLY TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM.
Me: Oh, good. They haven't realized that we're really aliens yet and I've replaced your father to take over the world.
Kids: Yeah, whatever. Look - Pikachu!
Me: Nothing? That's all I get?
Kids: Dad! The TV's doing something!
Me: (run up the stairs) Is that the emergency broadcast message?
TV: THIS IS THE WEEKLY TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM.
Me: Oh, good. They haven't realized that we're really aliens yet and I've replaced your father to take over the world.
Kids: Yeah, whatever. Look - Pikachu!
Me: Nothing? That's all I get?
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