I have idiots for siblings

Real world situation: I call my parents place asking for my sister's email addresses. Why? I don't have it, and I want to send them Amazon.com gift certificates for Christmas. I search my gmail account - they've never sent me a message.

So I ask for it.

I get a Facebook message from my sister. "Why are you asking for my email address. Don't you have it?"

This may be the dumbest question I have ever been asked. If I had it, would I be asking for it? It's 5 days until Christmas. Why the hell would I be asking for an email address?

And why would you send me a Facebook message *instead of just emailing me*? Do my sisters think I'm going to sign them up for tentacle nostril rape porn spam or something?

People wonder why I only visit my family once a year. This is why.

True Conversations with my Daughter

Me:  Emily, look - the last two Haruhi DVD sets arrived!

Emily:  What's that?

Me:  It's a pillowcase.  Look - it has Haruhi, and Mikaru, and Yuki on it in their sleepware!  Maybe I should put it on my pillow.

Emily:  Nuh-uh!

Me:  Why not?

Emily:  (Starts doing a "I'm teasing Daddy" dance.)  Because Mommy won't let you have it, because she won't want you to sleep on pretty girls.

Me: Really. Why don't you go ask your mother then and see what she says.

Emily: OK! (Runs upstairs with the pillowcase.)

(2 minutes pass)

My Lovely Wife: No, he's not!

Emily: I told you!

Me: ...

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Unexpected Family Moment

Father in Law (FiL):  Hey, John.

Me:  Yup?

FiL:  You can sell stuff on the Internet, right?

Me:  Sure.

FiL:  How much would you get for this Harry Potter book.

Me:  (tap tap tap)  About $4.

FiL:  So you can really sell anything?

Me:  Just about.

FiL:  What about Playboy?

Me:  Uh - what?

FiL:  Playboy.  They got Playboy on there.

Me:  You want to sell Playboy.

FiL:  Yup.  Got a bunch of old ones.

Me:  Uh - sure.

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School, and feeling like the worst father in the world

My son Griffen has been doing really well at school.  So well, we might have to skip him a grade.

Recently they changed his teacher and class around for some reason or another.  Then they changed his bus route (so we've been taking the kids, since getting to school 45 minutes early is silly), and for some reason, this is giving him problems.  When it's time to go to school, he doesn't want to go, he "forgets" things, and nearly has to be dragged from the car by a teacher and taken to class.

I've been understanding, but the other day I layed down the law:  if I heard from his mother that he didn't go to school properly, he would get spanked.  We set the terms, he understood them.

Yesterday, I came home.  And learned that he had been difficult in going to school.

So I asked him if he remembered what I said I was going to do.  He said he did, big tears in his big hazel eyes.  I bent him over, and hit him on the butt once.


I knew I had to do it.  I had set the terms, and he had to get his punishment.  Today, it seems like we're not having any problems getting to school. 

I still feel rotten.  And I'd do it again, if I could go back in time.

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Date rape drug in toys

We have some of these in the house - you touch the little balls together, get them wet, and they stick together. Fun little toy for the kids.

Well, not any more, I guess.

Whatever happened to consumer safety laws? Did I miss something and they all get thrown out?

I'm very worried about my son

He is bright. Bright enough that he can already graduate from kindergarten, perhaps even the first grade. He reads as vorasciously as I did as a child. Right now, he’s in the other room, going through all of the educational parts on the PBSKids page. The other day he wanted to do flash cards.

He’s growing faster in that gray matter between his ears. I’ve been charting his progress, and it’s fast. Faster than his big sister at the same age. If my estimates are right, he might pass her up in a year. She’s 8. He’s 5. Do the math.

He’s bright, generally positive (like his father, he can suffer dark moods, but they’re brief). He’s incredibly flexible. We signed him up for a young gymnastics thing, and the other 5 year olds are flexible as kids are. He’s practically rubber - can do just about the splits already.

And I’m utterly terrified for him. I know he’s going to have issues as he grows older. I’ve been looking for ways to keep him challenged. I don’t want him to be like me and have an easy time, only to leave high school and never have learned how to work hard to learn.

So, I’m working to keep him occupied. I’ve let his teacher know I want the graduation requirements for the first grade. I don’t want to move him up - I think that his maturity level isn’t at pace with his mental abilities.

My plan so far is this: keep him in regular classes, but get him extra advanced ones that will challenge him. Perhaps as he goes up the grade levels I can keep him taking the advance classes, so by the time he’s in high school a couple of his regular classes are at a local college. (OK, I’m thinking way in advance, but you get the idea.)

He gets the “best of both worlds” to quote my daughter’s favorite singer “Hannah Montana”. He gets to go to “regular school” and have all of those experiences - being on a sports team if he wants, going to prom, whatever.

Let him play his games (he is a Mario and Zelda fanatic), but he’s got to solve them himself. He doesn’t get to go “Daddy, I need help” and then I do it. He’s got to struggle, and read all of the words himself.

And, if he turns out “normal” later on, well, I’ll be a little disappointed, but it happens. But at least he won’t be in some school where he misses out on all the good stuff.

Of course, I have to worry about his little brother. He’s telling my wife how to play Solitaire right now, that that “Mom! Mom! You need the Red Two for the Black Three!”

He’s three.

I’m doomed.

I have....

A 5 year old son who's ready to move into the 1st grade, according to his teacher. I don't know if we will.

A copy of Phoenix Wright, with a Phoenix Wright plushie key chain.

Dracula X: Rondo of Blood for the PSP, with the "8 bit Simon Belmont action figure".

The question is, which one do I crack open first?

Well, other than the boy.

Where does he get this from

Me: Matthew, come down for dinner!

Matthew: Hold on, Da!

Me: Matthew - come down! I haven't seen you *sob* all day *sob* *sob*. I need my Matthew *sob, sob*.

Matthew: Not right now, Da! I'm busy and be down soon.

My Lovely Wife: *Snerk* I wonder where he gets that from.

Me: Matthew!

Matthew: Coming!

*Later on*

Me: Hey, you guys have no school on Friday. And I don't have to work that Friday. Maybe we should go to the movies.

Kids: Yaaaaay!

Me: How about Ratatoille?

Kids: No - we already saw that!

Me: Well, I haven't!

Kids: Sucks to be you!

MLW: *snerk*

Me: They totally get this attitude and sarcasm from you, you know.

Emily: Nuh-uh. Mommy says that all of our sass comes from you!

Me: ...

I need some cream, honey

Me: Hey, we're all out of lotion, and after mowing the lawn and washing up, I feel really dry.

My Lovely Wife (MLW): Well, here. You can use this.

Me: No I can't.

MLW: Why not?

Me: It says "night cream". It's day time.

MLW: Well, then use this.

Me: Uh - it's brown. I'm not putting brown stuff all over my face.

MLW: It's not brown - it's cream colored.

Me: It's the color of poo.

MLW: You are acting like such a - girl!

iPhone. iiiiiPhonnnnnne!

My Lovely Wife (MLW): I'm going to go buy some books.

Me: OK - hey, what about me?

MLW: iPhone.

Me: Oh.

(One week goes by.)

MLW: So what do you want for Christmas.

Me: What's my budget for asking?

MLW: $100.

Me: That's it?

MLW: iPhone. iiiiiiiPhooooonnnnnne.

Me: Uh - how much longer does this go on?

MLW: Another $150.

Hm. Religoius recital

My daughter has been taking guitar lessons for the last 6 months or so. She's learned to read music, and though I have to remind her to practice, she's at least getting musical proficiency.

Within the last month we've switched guitar instructors to someone more local - saves me a 20 - 25 minute drive down to about 5 minutes. So that's fine.

Yesterday I didn't take her - I had a long day at work, and My Lovely Wife offered to take my daughter to practice instead. That was fine. I kept working on dinner so when they came back it would all nice and hot.

After dinner was served, my daughter told me in breathless tones about how she would get to play in a recital. For a Christmas recital. At a church!

"Hmmm." I said. Not very nicely, to be honest.

My wife looked at me. "What's that 'hmmm' about?"

This is where I mention that the music shop where Emily gets her lessons is a music/Christian book store. I know what you're thinking. "John, aren't you a Christian?"

Yeah. I am. I'm also a gamer, but you don't see me hanging a Game Boy around my neck either. I take very seriously the idea that "let not your left hand know what your right hand does" - the stuff that Jesus talked about that said you don't wear your religion on your sleeve for the praise of man, but just do your job. Be nice to people. Help the poor and the sick and the needy.

The idea that you'd wear an instrument of torture around your neck to show off how much you believe honestly offends me. That you need your own branch of music and literature to be "pure enough" bugs me as well - we're suppose to live in the world, not separate ourselves from it.

And to be honest, some of my own personal history coming through. I was plagued as a teenager by people trying to "save me" from being a Mormon (since evidently believing in Jesus as the Son of God, the resurrection, the atonement, and that the guy walked on water isn't good enough for some people out there). They'd bring up the stupidest things ("Do you really believe women are eternally pregnant in heaven?")

Now, up until this point, I kind of ignored the store's secondary function. I noticed the cross earrings and the video tapes of cartoons for children taking them on a tour through the history of the bible. It was there, I didn't care. I was there for my daughter's guitar lessons.

And then, she's invited to play at a church.

Yeah. I have a problem with it. I have a problem because now I'm worried the first time my daughter says "Uh huh - I was baptized and my daddy did it in California".

Then someone says "What church do you go to".

And my daughter says "I go to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints."

And then someone gives me The Look, and they try to "convert" my daughter, or my family. Or tell her she doesn't go to a "real" church. Or start arguing about whether their God is bigger than my God or some stupid crap like that. Those that know me know I won't just be able to let it go. Odds are, I'll be sarcastic at first as a warning of "Hey, let's not discuss this, I'm not going to get into your arguments." Then if they get pushing I'll use reason as a "Does it really matter, let's just focus on something else."

Then I'll get mean.

Maybe I'm worrying too much about it. Maybe I'm projecting my own negative experiences onto the situation. Maybe I should just go, not worry about it, and let things fall as they may.