Real Conversation with My Love Wife: Still Creepy after All These Years

Me: So I'm playing Dragon Quest IX, and finally got to make my party.

My Lovely Wife(MLW): And?

Me: So I made my entire party ladies.

MLW: Oh, really?

Me: Yup. See, I like to think that my thief character and my priestess are secretly lesbians-

MLW: What?

Me: -which makes life for the priestess hard, because she's supposed to be pure and all, but she can't resist the roguish nature of the thief. And then there's the whole "laying on of hands" thing.

MLW: Seriously?

Me: Anyway, I'll be making dinner in a bit after I get done playing with my lesbian brigade. Burgers and tater tots.

MLW: Do we just have regular fries?

Me: Nope! Just tots! And them I'm going to take a few and put them right over my nipples.

MLW: Ewww!

Me: And I'll be all "mmmm - come on over and have a taste of my titty tots."

MLW: Now you're just being wrong.

Me: Oooo - take a bite out of my big thick potato nipples. It's all hot and steamy on the inside.

MLW: You're terrible.

Me: 16 years of marriage, and I can still find ways of creeping you out.

MLW: ....

Real Conversation with My Love Wife: Perfect Plans

Me: I thought I had it all planned out.

My Lovely Wife (MLW): What do you mean?

Me: I moved the Wii upstairs. The Playstation 3 is broken. The Xbox 360 is in the living room so we can stream Netflix. So there shouldn't be any reason for the children to want to go into my office and play on anything.

MLW: And?

Me: Wizard 101! They want to play the one non-Mac compatible game in the house. And it's not enough they have to use their computer upstairs - they want to play at the same time, so they have to use the computer in *my* office!

MLW: Sounds like a flaw in your plan.

Me: It was a perfect plan! Perfect!

MLW: ...